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The Natchez Trace is a 444-mile stretch of road that begins in Nashville and ends in Natchez, MS. To date, no one holds the record for the fastest known time (FKT), Natchez-trace-parkway-FKT completing the southbound journey on foot. This adventure is exactly what I am going to do this September — Suicide Awareness Month — to bring awareness to the issues of mental health and suicide among Veterans.
My Interview on Voices of Honor
Pictured on my right, leftmost in the photo is my fellow soldier AC KIA March 29, 2011
After coming home from Iraq I fought my own battle with mental health leading to suicide attempts. Out of desperation, I found running. At first, I could barely run a mile, but within five months I found myself in the middle of a forest, two-thirds of the way into my first 50K. I wasn’t running a marathon on the harsh pavement; I wasn’t surrounded by thousands of people. I was alone with myself in the middle of the woods. No cell phone, no communication, and the only way to get back was to follow the path.
My inflection point, the time in my life when everything began to change, was the night of September 23, 2006. It was the last night I tried to use suicide as my answer to all the weight of the darkness on me. I have heard people say many things about those that committed and those that try suicide. For me, it was all about the pain and thinking I was a failure for becoming so immersed in its grasp. It was not about being selfish or that I had anything to live for. I had pain and no way to get rid of it, so the only logical choice was to stop others from having to deal with me.
I remember writing something and having a part in the note to spite my unit’s chain of command who told me there was nothing wrong and that I should just have a few more beers and all would be well. I remember cleaning up the apartment, there was not much to do as my ex had recently moved out. I had a nice bottle of Jack Daniels that night and I walked into my room to get my gun. I held it to my head, feeling the coldness of the barrel on my temple. This was it, I thought, the note was on the counter in the kitchen and here I was. I checked the chamber, I kept a round in there, mostly all the time since Iraq. I exhaled and slowly squeezed the trigger. This I thought would finally show “them”.
I wanted to show them, to show that they were all wrong, really, really wrong about me. I wanted to show someone so badly that my finger didn’t work. My finger would not move, it was weak and wouldn’t pull the trigger. Thoughts raced through my head. I remember several questions I had right then. I was able to use a moment of ambivalence, of do I really want to do this? Then having to sit with the feeling that I was a dismal failure, as I was trained to pull the trigger but here I was and couldn’t.
There is a saying that the story doesn’t start till the hero shows up… The next morning I went looking for help. Having had a religious background, I thought I would try a church and I remembered there being one just a block away from my apartment. I pulled in on my motorcycle. The person at the door took one look at me and said we don’t start for another hour and you can’t come in yet. What I heard was “We don’t want you here”. I went back to the apartment. What happened next in short was, like Forrest, I began to run.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. It’s the anniversary month of my suicide attempt, but it’s also the month I started running several years ago. I want to bring attention specifically to Veteran suicide and PTSD, because I have been through it and I want others to know there is hope. I want to translate my own personal journey – from a Veteran suffering from PTSD to a person creating a new life – into a journey that everyone can take part in. I decided to change my story, and I want other people and my fellow Veterans to see that they can too.
Like with anything else you start where you are at, at home
Phil
So I’m starting my run along the Natchez Trace in Nashville, where home is – because of course you have to start wherever you are. Since no one has run the Trace south, I realized that to get the fastest known time, I didn’t have to be elite – I just had to do it. Which is exactly how mental health treatment works: you start from where you are, and you just have to do it. You do the work one day at a time just like you would train for anything else. The Work, like some runs, you just try to finish and it isn’t pretty. However, the harder the climb, the more scenic the view, or you just have crazy-looking pictures of yourself.
A run, like life, has a start and an end. Each run allows me a way to fully experience every feeling that comes along, instead of numbing them or reacting. And, as in life, no matter what you’re feeling now, with enough time or miles that feeling will change. Once I believed I needed to feel pain to know I was alive. Now I see that pain as an opportunity to create, explore and play. I am inviting you to come with. We will just go for a long walk with some running thrown in.
You don’t have to wait till you feel better to move. You move to feel better.
-Phil
Unbridled Running 